Finding True Belonging Through Group Self-Compassion Classes
“I dreamed about a culture of belonging. I still dream that dream. I contemplate what our lives would be like if we knew how to cultivate awareness, to live mindfully, peacefully; if we learned habits of being that would bring us closer together, that would help us build beloved community.”
A sense of belonging is a basic human need, more important than physiological and safety on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. It is foundational for mental, emotional and physical health. Perhaps that is why our increasingly individualistic culture that rewards self-reliance and achievement – qualities that are also important to thriving – is also leading to unprecedented levels of loneliness and a phenomenon Tara Brach calls “severed belonging.” Healing this lost sense of belonging involves recognizing the pain, practicing self-compassion, and rebuilding secure connections.
Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) programs offer a path to more self-compassion, mindfulness and stronger connections, all of which can play a role in repairing the fractures in our individual lives and broader communities.
As an MSC teacher, I’m touched by the moments of healing that occur in every class. The relief on a participant’s face as she names and softens to a difficult emotion to find greater acceptance for whatever is present. The wonder in another’s voice as he recognizes a limiting belief rooted deep in his subconscious and opens his heart to his inherent worthiness. Yet one of the most heart-warming experiences of every program I teach is watching a group of skeptical, reserved strangers transform over eight short weeks into a community that embodies the authentic sense of belonging that so many of us are missing today.
This beautiful outcome is both by design and organic. As explained in the Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook developed by MSC founders Kristen Neff, PhD, and Christopher Germer, PhD, “A sense of interconnectedness is central to self-compassion. It’s recognizing that all humans are flawed works-in-progress, that everyone fails, makes mistakes, and experiences hardship in life. Self-compassion honors the unavoidable fact that life entails suffering, for everyone, without exception.”
In other words, the work is personal, but the need is universal. The connectedness in MSC classes happens as participants get comfortable opening to the unique experience of self-compassion work for themselves and others.
Groups Enjoy Added Benefits
Given that all MSC practices require deep inner reflection, it still may seem counterintuitive that the highly individualized work of self-compassion flourishes in a group setting. Research in the healthcare field, however, reveals that when psychological safety, confidentiality and trust are the foundations of a group of supportive participants, positive outcomes consistently improve. A study published by Global Advances in Health and Medicine reported that shared experiences and collective wisdom allowed group participants to achieve more sustained lifestyle changes compared to those working alone.
I have witnessed similar outcomes for those who learn about MSC as a client of my counseling practice, embarking on a self-guided journey versus participants in the MSC group programs I offer. Both benefit greatly from self-compassion work, but class participants consistently report more consistent habits, often citing the added benefit of sharing the journey with and learning from others week-after-week. The group dynamic, in many ways, makes it more personal.
“Experiencing group compassion and learning what it feels like [to be supported] has been so meaningful” is how one recent participant expressed his appreciation to fellow learners. Another articulated succinctly what many others frequently share: “We all have stuff. We’re all human. We all have struggles. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone.”
Safety & Trust are Foundational
Psychological safety, trust and respect for the uniqueness of each participant are the foundations on which MSC connections are built in class-based programs. The stage is set from the welcome our participants receive: “We welcome you just as you are, and our intention is to create a supportive community where we can all learn and practice together.”
Our first class involves ensuring each participant has a voice to express his or her most important rules of engagement such as confidentiality, non-judgment and trust, creating an environment in which each person can be comfortable sharing as much or little as desired. There are no expectations or pressure to perform in an MSC class. Only opportunities to offer and receive thoughtfulness, curiosity, kindness and non-judgmental presence.
What I find most intriguing after a few classes is how those who are more reserved (introverts) and those who are more gregarious (extroverts) settle in a natural cadence that enables each participant to feel heard, seen and accepted unconditionally. Different personalities find their place in the community.
Similarly, the external roles that crop up in introductions at the beginning of each program and can separate us into mini groups based on what we do quickly begin to dissipate as participants connect based solely on their experiences from self-compassion practices. Common humanity quickly displaces individual identities. Labels and external identities fade away to allow our innermost beings to find peace and self-acceptance - and feel the acceptance of others. As stated by Dr. Brené Brown, “True belonging doesn’t require that we change who we are. It requires that we be who we are.”
Shared Parallel Journeys Create Connection
Perhaps the most remarkable phenomenon that occurs in an MSC group is how the common humanity connection and sense of belonging forms without anyone having to share last names or any details of their lives. That’s because what happened in the past or is happening in the current moment is not the focus of the class. That’s for a therapist’s office.
Participants join an MSC class because they are ready to embark on a journey to find more self-acceptance, mindfulness, and joy. Self-compassion work is still an inner, uniquely personal practice done in community. Each in our chairs or on our cushions, supported by the non-judgmental presence of fellow classmates doing their own private inner work.
Unique to the MSC group program are exercises in which classmates pair up, offer mindful presence for another’s self-discovery experience. Not to analyze, give advice, offer sympathy or commiserate. To simply be present, listening compassionately and non-judgmentally as one, then the other in turn, shares his/her emotional experience and learning from the practice. This compassionate listening exercise is one of the most impactful experiences cited at the end of each program.
Participants speak with wonder of how validating it is to feel genuinely seen, heard, and accepted without judgment or unsolicited input. It is remarkable in a world where giving/receiving feedback is the norm but can often lead to shame and frustration rather than feelings of non-judgmental support.
The exercise is equally impactful for the listener. As one participant shared, “Our minds often begin preparing what we hope will be an appropriate response. So, it is incredibly powerful – and liberating – to focus simply on listening intently and offering compassionate presence for another human being’s emotional experience. It enables a deeper and more authentic connection.” Many participants report practicing this new skill when interacting with family, friends and colleagues - and finding their interactions richer and the relationships strengthened.
True Belonging Leads to Greater Happiness
Recognizing and honoring the humanity of others creates a clear path for us to recognize and honor our own humanity. That is the true gift of group self-compassion work. I am always humbled by the openness and courage of MSC participants as they come together as outsiders and, within a few weeks, create an environment of true belonging by learning from each other, supporting each other and demonstrating with every practice how extending kindness both inward and outward can make all our lives a little better.
In the wise words of the Dalai Lama, “Only the development of compassion and understanding for others can bring us the tranquillity and happiness we all seek."
Visit my Courses page for more information on upcoming Mindful Self-Compassion programs.
Resources:
Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community, 2023
Where Does It Hurt? Healing the Wounds of Severed Belonging, Tara Brach, 2017
Group Health Coaching: Strengths, Challenges & Next Steps, Global Advances in Health and Medicine, May 2013
